The Choice To Love

Does a person really have the choice of who they love? I have no definitive opinion about this, however, i know that you can't stop yourself from loving someone once you have fallen in love with them.

I have been in love with the same man for six years and up until ten hours ago, thought I would never love anyone else.

600 minutes ago I was in love with someone that I would never be with and a person I would never tell how I felt.

I understand saying this aloud and in this context automatically makes you pitty me, but, it is my choice and for me in this moment, it is the right choice.

The choice to never speak a word of this to the person and to be able to know that I am capable of falling in love with someone other than the man I have loved for six years is enough.

For me it is enough to know that I love someone, and that, that love is so precious to me that I would not dare utter a word about it to the person, to keep it from them is merely for my self preservation but also because we are completely incompatable.

Losing yourself in your environment

Have you ever looked at one of those information maps on a sign with the big red dot on it, saying 'you are here'? I find it annoying. What happens if you do not want to know where you are?

It reminds me of when I was in Venice, i had always wanted to wander the streets of Venezia and lose myself in its mysterious alleyways. Except i never could, because when i would look up into the sky to see the beautiful sun shining in the blue sky i would see the sign posts that said 'Rialto Bridge this way' or 'next left for San Marco Square.' It was impossible to get lost, I even tried to focus upon the pavement, but spray painted in bright colours was directions out of the maze of venice' alleyways.

However, the flip-side of this is when you are lost and you want so desperately to see a sign with the name of the place you are in search of tattooed upon the sign. But it never happens.

I do not know what the answer to these dilemas are, other than the indivudal person wearing a blind fold or taking a gps with them.

I will let you know if there is an easier answer.

"What is in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet"

Does a name really mean anything or is it merely to recognise. A symbol of an emotional attachment to an inadomate object.

Well the place i am at today, i do not know the real name of it, only what my friends and i call it, which is Bum Hill. I am not exactly sure why it started being called that but forever more i will know it as that. It holds memories and feelings that i never want to forget.

It wasn't the place where i had my first kiss or said goodbye to the man i love but it is the place that reminds me of how beautiful, exciting and special this world is and how every second should be treasured.

This place is home to the many surfers who died in the ocean below and whom loved this place and wanted to soar like an eagle upon the top of this hill.

The eagle sits high above the pathway in which we walk, a piece of art that symbolises the loss of human life and living life to the full.

My friends Serge and Bibby are here with me as well as Min and Jamie all in which have a deep connection to this place wherever their lives take them, they will always have memories of this tranquil place.

Standing up against the railing, the breeze blowing away all my fears and bad thoughts. The sun kissing its lips upon my face, taking all the impurities out of my skin, rejuvinating it and making my soul open to all the possibilities life has to offer.

I honestly believe natural beauty heals the mind, body and soul of every human. But most people don't know it.

I pride myself on keeping my body away from impurities such as cigarettes, drugs and alcohol.

But am not as pure as I would like, but i will work on it.

The Pen

When the plane landed on Australian Soil on the 30th of September 2007; I walked out a new person that was returning to her old life. A life that i wasn't sure i fitted into and didn't pretty much up until fairly recently.

I started a new job in an area i had once worked in. But i had lost touch with the person who stepped off the plane a few weeks earlier. I had lost all faith in humanity. But as i have realised it takes only the smallest of gestures to restore my faith and make me giggle about how wrong i was.

I can't recall the date, or the features of this person who pulled me to the ground after i had been floating around in the clouds since being in Europe, but i needed it.

It was like any other delivery; I made sure my lipstick was on (my lips plump and sexy), I stepped out of the car, put on a smile (hoping i got a nice tip). The things you do for money, my job was the closest thing to prostitution i would ever want to be involved with, i have already done some weird and wacky things for money (get your mind out of the gutter)

It was dark and the man switched on the porch light which instantly blinded me after adjusting to the darkness. All i needed from him was a signature to bind him to the purchase. But as usual i could not find the pen that i had specifically brought with me for the signing. The man ran around his house searching for this illusive instrument.

Finally he struck gold and the transaction was finalised. Then the most unexpected thing happened, he offered the pen to me. I'm unsure of what it actually looked like it could have been a fountain pen or a biro from a supermarket. But that does not matter, it was the fact this man who did not know my name, or who i was or if i deserve such kindness. But took it upon himself to extend his hand and offer me this symbol of the restoration of humanity.

I did not accept, as i was so shocked. The normal reaction is to say thank you, but no thank you. I cannot recall whether he offered it to me again or what happened next but this sweet gesture made me giggle in spurts throughout the rest of my shift. For me that pen was as beautiful as a diamond ring and i am so grateful for it. This man pulled me gently back to reality, he was my breath of fresh air.

I know to everyone else this little story may not affect you, but for me it was what i needed to realise that my time in Australia was as precious as my time in Europe.

Love & Light

Introductions

I think in the very first moments of meeting someone you should be 100% honest and 100% yourself because it is a very hard act to keep up if you are not. I guess there are exceptions if you are the devil in carnate. However, if you are genuinely a good person, why not? Be proud of who you are and don't be afraid of not being accepted, because people appreciate honesty. I love those few moments of showing the person i am off; like a singer on a stage, standing there baring their soul to the world. I guess that is what writing is all about. A writer's best work is pain and ecstacy they feel.

I know at this present moment my best work is about my travels and the pain of not being with the person I love (regardless of circumstances). I am not going to post any of my previous writing; this is my clean slate, my new start. I am studying Journalism and i have only just finished my first semester. I love it, and i was so sure i wouldn't like university and yet now i cannot invision life without it. I know i won't always be studying but at this point in my life i am doing exactly what i should be doing.

I kept a previous blog on this site for university and was inspired today reading a friend of a friends blog on this website and i decided tonight was the night. So this is my first blog 'through my eyes'.

My heart is pounding in my chest at this present moment, i am on edge because of a earlier conversation with my best mates mother. I am a very trusting person, i will even go as far as saying naive to the possible dangers and circumstances i could be taken advantage of. But how i see it, I see the best in people and i like that quality about myself. I choose to believe everyone has good in them and that the universe will prevail with the protection i need. I sound like a young girl, a child even. However i am twenty one in November and i have seen a bit of what the world has to offer and because i have been naive to some things i got to have so many incredible experiences (not all good) but an untrusting and paranoid person may not have experienced them.

I haven't a clue what my second blog will be, i guess time will tell and i am looking forward to that moment when i sit down at my lap top and feel the urge to log on to my page and write my thoughts, feelings and experiences. So until next time, love and light.